Single Guy Rant

Hi.

I’ve always heard that women were crazy and did weird shit. Admittedly, I’ve lived through some strange occurrences, but just chalked up the “women are crazy” school of thought to bitter men. However, due to recent events, not only am I rethinking that perspective, but also my entire life strategy.

This crazy train to WTF land started yesterday at my local Verizon store. They were running a special on 2 for 1 Blackberries. So, my dad, lover of any kind of deal, and I trek up there to get new phones. Once we get in the store, the clerk at the door greets us and we head over to decide on which model to purchase. After a few minutes of deliberation, we decide to get the newer model. Executive decision made, we head over to the cashier to tell her what we want.

I had been in this Verizon store several times and seen this particular girl. I’m 6′1 and she is almost as tall as I am. Let’s say she’s 5′10. Red-headed, average bust, and an ass that goes for days. She’s kinda cute. My dad and I tell her that we want 2 Blackberry Tours. She explains to us that in order to do this we have to add an additional line to our service and 2 additional data plans. This would amount to around $70 bucks a month. We’re like fuck that so we decide to just get my dad a different phone and bail out on the Blackberry deal.

My dad is kinda pissed at the shittiness that is Verizon’s business practices, but what can you do? He’s pretty stubborn, and is starting to like the Blackberry so he makes the call to just go with one Blackberry. We tell the girl, to get us one Blackberry Curve. She goes to the back, gets our stuff and when she returns she is checking us out (pun intended).

With my history with women, I should have seen this whole love triangle coming, but alas, this is my life, so it ends with a hilariously awful ending. The whole time this girl is checking us out and setting up this new phone, she is being really flirty. At the time I didn’t think I was being particularly flirty back, but I went with it. As an aside, you must know that my dad is a pimp. Also, he is 62 years old. In my 20 year old mind, he’s just a goofy guy. I’m just kind of hanging out, making small talk with this girl and my dad is running his game. He just doesn’t give a fuck. The whole time this girl, my dad, and I are conversing, I think that the girl is into me, and my dad is just being retarded. Everything is going well, he gets his shit together and then the girl asks what phone I have. I say the LG Dare, unfortunately, as it’s not a very good phone. She’s asks if I have the latest software. I tell her I don’t have a clue. She takes my phone and then says that I need to update it and that she can do it for me. I agree. As she is walking to the back of the store with my phone, she adds this nugget of joy to the software update process: “I’ll put all your pictures on your memory card, too. That’ll make your phone faster.” I sheepishly say ok.

She disappears to the back of the store and I run scenarios through my mind. What kind of pictures do I have on my phone? Shit, there’s probably a semi-clothed picture of my crotch on there (Who DOESN’T have a picture of their own crotch on their phone?). Oh fuck me, there’s also some semi-clothed pictures of a girl on there. Great, theres also a picture of my hand with the letters J I L L drawn over my fingers. For those of you who aren’t 12 year old boys, “Jill” can be your girlfriend. By “girlfriend” I mean someone that you can get intimate with.

Really, what can I do but laugh my ass off? I’m sitting on the counter grinning like a opossum and she finally comes back with my phone. She acts as if nothing has happened at all, much to my relief. My dad is playing with his new phone and leans over to me and says that the date on it was wrong. I look at it and it says April 21st. My dad gives the girl some shit about programming his phone wrong. She’s like OMG, I have to tell you something. She’s really into this story, so I just grin and nod. She says that she had to enter in an order number for her store earlier. Her store has over 900,000 numbers and this specific one was 421. 421 being the date that was in my dad’s brand new phone. She says that 4-21 is her exboyfriend’s birthday. Once she says that, I realize that she is totally flirting with me. I’m trying to figure out how to ask her for her number in front of my dad when lightning strikes. SHE WRITES DOWN HER CELL NUMBER ON HER CARD AND TELLS US TO CALL HER IF WE NEED ANYTHING.

Dear god, shit like this just doesn’t happen to me. An attractive girl gives me HER number? Get the fuck out of here. I walk out of the store beaming, and my dad is telling me that if he was 20 he would be jumping on that deal. Being the sage that I am, I respond by saying, “Yeah, but she’s a redhead.” Oh, how right I was in that stereotype..

Fast forward to a few hours ago, I decide that I would send that bitch a smiley. My first text to this lovely lady was a fairly standard approach.

“Hey, it’s the random blackberry guy from yesterday, what’s up?”

I sent this with visions of sugar plum fairies sucking my dick dancing through my head.

She responds with a disheartening response:

“I can’t say I know who that is…I sell a lot of blackberries lol”

Hmmm, ok, playing hard to get. Let’s put on the irresistible charm..

“Don’t you remember the cute guy and his goofy dad? ”

Foolproof. She’s going to be asking for my address to come fuck me in half.

“Yea is this the dad?lol”

My initial reaction was to have a brief period of approximately 15 seconds of total brain death. Once I came to, I rationalized her response to her being funny. AWESOME. Girls with a sense of humor = a win in my book. I know exactly how I’ll respond.

“Nope, do you want it to be?lol”

Haha, what now, sweetheart? The only way you can get out of this one is say you love me and then we can live happily ever after.

“Double or nothin lol”

Did she just insinuate that she wants to have a threesome with my dad and me? Can you do that? What the hell is going on here?

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? lol”

Best I could come up with at the time. Creative brain cells died at the part where she wanted to fuck my dad. It happens to the best of us.

“I think it’s past your bed time little man lol did you need something?:)”

You know how they always say nice guys finish last, girls love assholes, etc? I’m leaning towards that school of thought, but you cannot say you want to fuck my dad and then call me a little man in the same conversation. Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.

“You shouldn’t smoke crack, It’s bad for your health ”

Suck it. Crazy bitch is crazy. The only course of action is to nip this one in the bud.

“How old are you anyway?”

Oh, you want to be friendly now? Ok, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

“19, how old are you anyway? 33?”

Or not. There is no off switch once dick-mode is engaged.

“Lol 23, too old for you:) thank for the text though! If you or your dad need anything feel free to call anytime”

I retired to my quarters confused, as per usual. I guess I can chalk this one up to a learning experience. Hopefully I’ll never have to refer to Verizon Girl vs My dad vs Me for precedence on threesomes in the future.